Here we go again

yeah, another post when I'm tired. I guess that's just how it is these days...

Today, I'm tired because I can't sleep. I can't sleep because my daughter has been sleeping in my bed the past few days. She has IV fluids at night this week, and she doesn't want to go far in case it starts beeping or something. So she is with me. I love having her near me. And it also exhausts me. I have no time, not even when I sleep, when I can forget a moment that my child has cancer.
And now, I've had an added fear and dread - having her sleep next to me, I listen to her breathe all night. And I panic.

Meg has had trouble breathing the last few weeks. She gets winded very easily. Her heart rate has been up. She's having back pain.

So what does it all mean? It could be that the doxorubicin has damaged her heart. She may have cardiomyopathy or congestive heart failure. Or it could be that her lungs are inflamed from the methotrexate. And scarred.
Or it could be that the lymphoma is back and this time in her pericardia or her pleura - 2 places it likes to pop up.
Shit.
I hate this so much. I'm terrified. I'm overwhelmed. I'm scared as hell.

And I have no one to tell this to. No one but here. No one who can really understand what I'm living. No one can understand how horrific it is to see your child go through this. No one who feels your fear that you could lose her, or the pain that you feel, anticipating all that still lies ahead.

So I don't sleep. I lie awake in fear. I like awake in grief. I lie awake and listen. Yeah, I'm tired.